from the mind of critic: 9/2/19

 

From the mind of critic: “For 14 years I’ve called you home, a place where I could be myself, by myself, for myself. You’ve been the scene of many get togethers, good and bad. Your kitchen has seen countless meals cooked, again, some good and some bad; but always made with the love of a man who was grateful to share. You’ve seen many friends come and go, some wonderful and some not so wonderful souls who were either around not nearly as long as I would’ve wished, or around so much longer than the average person could handle, before they absolutely lost it. You’ve seen some women pass through my life, some I should’ve never have let into my space, and wouldn’t have were it not for increasing loneliness as I age. Some I let in my space because they appeared as one thing, but turned out another. Some came into my space through the natural progression of life, women I thought were my “Christina”, touching my soul to the point of checking every box of everything I’ve always wanted in a woman, only to have them be not ready for something, which was often code for not wanting something with me, or just didn’t see me like that, or like me like that, before going back to boyfriends or girlfriends, or miraculously and instantaneously finding new ones, who treat them with the disrespect, violence and dehumanization I know in my soul I’d never do to a woman, let alone “my Christina”. But I digress, the South G neighborhood your foundation is planted in, has provided many beautiful walks through the Marsh, and many strolls while smoking a joint on my way to the Alibi for some human interaction, and some human conversation. These walks became fewer and fewer as my back and nerve pain worsened, going from legs falling asleep, to pain so unbearably awful, it was tough to walk, let alone sleep. You saw me get fired from my job after 10 and a half years, all because new owners wanted to clean house by completely fabricating stories, instead of sitting somebody down and having an actual human conversation. You saw my pain dramatically worsen almost immediately after, forcing me onto unemployment, but at least was able to pay bills because of help from mom. You saw me get forced off said unemployment, because my former fucking evil bosses, couldn’t stand me having one crumb of what I paid into for a decade. You saw me get onto state disability, of which a decade was also paid into, chiseled in by countless doctor appointments, physical therapy appointments, and MRIs which confirmed my l3 and l4 are compressing, and nothing short of surgery will fix it. Although it may get worse, or better through proper diet and exercise, which as you know is hard for me to do for more than two minutes at a time, before the tingling and pain sets in. You saw me apply for permanent Social Security Disability, knowing my odds were long, but had to be hopeful because my state disability runs out at the end of the year. You saw after months and months of struggle, and pain worsening before it got better, before it got worse before it got better again, that I got the letter many people said I would three to four months after my May appointment, saying I was turned down for Social Security Disability, because they don’t believe blah blah blah, but that I can apply for reconsideration which takes another three to four months, which if and when I get turned down a second time, the Social Security lawyer can finally take it up, fighting what according to them could take another two years in court. You’ve seen me receive all this information, realizing my state stuff runs out at the end of the year, and that I’ll have absolutely no money to support myself, because every single option has been tried, but to no help, other than the $300 a month in general relief funds the county will give me, which is only half your rent anyway. Which brings me to the point of all this, for 14 years you’ve been the most amazing home anybody could ask for, and now I might lose you because I can’t come up with a measly $350 a month. I can blame the capitalist system that swallows whole all of humanity, I can blame our current government, who doesn’t want to give shit to anybody. I can even blame myself for not being good enough. But the bottom line, after 14 years, the sweet energy you’ve always so willingly provided will be gone forever.

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